My search for answers...

My white American parents do not have my almond-shaped black eyes, olive-colored skin, wavy black hair or typical, round Filipino nose. Nobody in my family does.

My name is Jake Buckingham and I was born on February 11, 1987 at Dr. Jose Fabella Memorial Hospital, a maternal and newborn tertiary hospital in Santa Cruz, Manila, the capital region of the Philippines. Brian and Marilyn Buckingham adopted me from the nearby CRIBS Foundation orphanage and in July of 1987, five months after I was born, I made my journey to their home in Omaha, Nebraska in the United States, a world away from where my journey first began. My parents had wanted children but had trouble conceiving for many years so they chose to adopt a child.

It wasn't until I took a family communications course in college did I begin to develop a strong desire to find my birth parents. I've always wanted to find and know my birth mother and I was always curious about that part of my life. I have so many unanswered questions. Who gave birth to me? Who do I look like? Are there any other family members out there in the world who look like me, talk like me, and walk like me? I started my journey to find my birth family in 2011 and I've been searching for them ever since. I never really questioned myself so much as a child because I was too young to understand. But now that I'm in my late-30's and more mature, those questions about myself have led me down a journey into my past that has invoked much curiosity as it has frustration and confusion.

Some people have often questioned my decision to search for my birth family. If I already have a loving family here in the United States, why should I feel the need or desire to search for a family in another country to which I have no ties other than blood? The answer is quite complex. I know I have a family who loves and supports me here in America and I would never even think about replacing them just because I have a desire to find my birth family. But it's much deeper than that. When I look at my friends, other family members or even complete strangers on the street, I see what they have which I don't have: relatives who look like them, walk like them, and talk like them. I see the similarities in their personalities. I see some of the physical characteristics that have been passed down from one generation to the next. I see their hair, eyes, lips, nose, and ears--all physical characteristics of the human body that link one biological family member to another.

When I look at myself and then back at my parents, I don't see any of those physical characteristics that should make me feel connected to them in a biological way. I don't see myself in them. By no fault of their own, my parents probably didn't imagine that their decision to adopt a child from another country would be such a life-changing event for not just them but for me as well. When you take another person out of their culture, their background and their country of origin, you risk leaving behind a huge part of their being: a part of their own identity, a part of their soul, a part of who they are as an individual. That is an unfortunate consequence of international adoption and I have struggled with my own identity and my own sense of self ever since.

Depression has been an going battle that I continue to fight to this day. I cope with it through medication and talk therapy. I've also found that writing and journaling can be very therapeutic as well. I have struggled through school, work and other daily activities. But I know it does not have to be this way forever. The fear of the unknown can be so overwhelming at times, but my search for answers doesn't have to be. And that's why I've decided to share my story with others. I hope it will help other adoptees gain the courage to share their story and search for their birth family if they have that desire. I also hope my story will educate, inform and inspire those who may have questions about adopting but are not sure who to talk to, where to start or how might their decision to adopt affect their adoptive children later on in life. These are all valid questions and concerns that I hope to address and explore on this journey.